A Story of Hope: Part 1
Hindsight is always 20/20. Looking back at my life before I was diagnosed with anxiety, it all adds up; all the little random spells of feeling unbalanced, or random bouts of irritation, make sense now. I specifically remember in 2013 my pinky toes both were going numb. I saw a doctor and the best advice I got was to take some Ibuprofen and hope that it goes away. While I don't think this was a physical symptom of anxiety, I do know that it was the first time I can remember being extremely worried. I was constantly thinking about my toes and doing different things to make them not numb. I think this was the beginning of when fear really entered into my life. I was so afraid that these symptoms would progress, making my whole body numb and nobody would be around to help me. Fortunately that did not happen, but it was still a very real fear. While I am happy to say that my toe numbness is basically gone and was due to my shoes being too tight (seems pretty obvious, right?), the fear associated with numbness and the anxiety surrounding that fear persisted.
During the summer of 2013, while I wasn't nannying, I was donating plasma a few times a week to earn some extra cash (yes I was one of those people). Occasionally I would feel like I wasn't seeing the world straight. I wasn't dizzy, but I had this overall sense that I wasn't grounded and that I could potentially fall over at any moment. I chalked it up to not eating enough before donating and just the act of donating plasma itself. I mean, plasma was leaving my body, that can make a girl feel unbalanced, right? I did actually blackout one or two times, but whether that is related to anxiety, I don't know. It was enough to make me hesitant and nervous to keep donating. I ultimately stopped donating because it was no longer convenient for me and my blood pressure was often lower than they allowed, but nevertheless, these memories stay with me.
Over the past few months, I've become more vocal with my anxiety struggles. Mainly because I know there are strength in numbers and I covet my friends' prayers, but more importantly because I don't want to hide this part of me; I don't want to feel isolated, like the devil wants; I want to share my struggles freely and be able to tell people about how my God carried (and still carries) me through these trials. While I am not cured, nor do I think I will ever fully be cured (and that is okay), my mindset has shifted and God has taught me so much about myself and brought me into a more intimate relationship with Him. I hope you'll continue to read about my journey and be encouraged if you're struggling too.
To get back to the story, it was the beginning of 2014. I was going to college full-time, nannying part-time, and planning my dream wedding to my dream man. I didn't think I was stressed out, but clearly, my body was telling me otherwise. I still was having the aforementioned unbalanced feelings, but they stayed for longer periods of time; sometimes days on end. I was also developing daily headaches and some numbness in my hands and tingling in my tongue. It got to the point where I decided to find a neurologist and see if something was seriously wrong in my brain. I feared that I wouldn't be able to walk because I was so unbalanced or use my hands due to the numbness. I had fear about my tongue becoming so tingly and numb that I wouldn't be able to talk. Let me tell you, living in fear is NOT where God wants you to be, I just didn't realize this at the time. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." - 2 Timothy 1:7
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
The neurologist wasn't completely sure what was going on, but she ordered an MRI, hearing and balance tests, and gave me some anxiety pills that I could take when I needed them. All my tests came back normal and the anxiety pills made me sleepy. I hated taking them, but after experiencing my first panic attack (so thankful my [almost] nurse roommate was around), I definitely needed something. I wasn't completely sold on the idea that I had anxiety because I wasn't feeling anxious or stressed in the traditional sense. I know what stress from work and school feels like. I can identify the feelings of having a deadline coming up and not being finished or can sense the adrenaline rush when I am in a dangerous situation. Those fight-or-flight feelings are not what I was experiencing; mine seemed to be more subconscious. I am unable to tell when my body is feeling stressed until my symptoms come out and they are totally random; unconnected to any stressful situation.
I decided to see my primary care doctor for a second opinion. To make a very long story short, I was diagnosed with anxiety and given a low dose of medication that I would take daily. As a side note, I was also in therapy for my body image issues, which basically turned to just discussing my life - I highly recommend therapy to anybody! It is so nice to be able to vent to someone who doesn't play an active role in your life and to get some outside perspective! Anyways, after a few months, the majority of my symptoms subsided and I was able to go back to living a fairly normal life. I married my wonderful husband (Shout out to you babe for always encouraging me and pointing me towards Jesus!) and continued going to school. Over the next 4 years, I switched my medications a few times, but they all seemed to work the same for me. I also attempted to change my diet and even stopped the pills only to realize that I still needed them.
Living my life on medication greatly improved my stability and offered me the chance to function without fearing that my symptoms would arise again. That's not to say that I never had my unbalanced feelings or numbness ever again, but it was very manageable. I was less moody, hardly ever cried, and rarely fought with Colton. Life was going swimmingly and I will forever be thankful for what medication did for me, but I didn't want to have to rely on it to make myself stable. Although, there is nothing wrong if you need medication long-term, it just wasn't something I wanted for myself. Here we are, just a few short months ago (Dec 2017), and I was preparing myself to completely stop taking anxiety medication. I have gathered "tools in my toolbox" as I like to call them, to help me manage my anxiety, with medication not being included at this time. I view my life as an experiment; I'm discovering what works for me and what doesn't, all with the Lord holding my hand. Life is messy, but that is what makes it so beautiful. Finding the joy despite our circumstances.
“I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
I hope you'll stick around because in Part 2 I'll be sharing what my life is like without medication and how I'm coping through the difficult times. If you or someone you know is struggling with anxiety and need a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or just some prayer, I would love to be there for you!
